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Posts Tagged ‘Rush Limbaugh’

Most of us  have probably wished at one time or another that we had the power to dispatch someone we don’t like to the outer reaches of Alpha Centauri.

This is just a fantasy, of course. We wouldn’t really do such a terrible thing. We are kindly people who firmly believe in loving our neighbor. At most, we might give someone a case of the hiccups for a day or so just for the heck of it.

But then again, wouldn’t it be fine to really possess God-like powers and use them in a God-like manner?

What would you do? What would I do? What if?

After a great deal of contemplation befitting God, I finally developed a list of tasks that I consider worthy of God’s attention.

1.      Consign Michelle Bachman to an eternity of reading Howard Zinn’s A People’s History of the United States.

2.      Reduce Antonin Scalia to a jabbering idiot so that he could never again rule on a case before the Supreme Court of the United States. Oh, wait. He already is a jabbering idiot.

3.      Cut off the water to Bristol Palin’s new home in the Arizona desert.

4.      And, oh, by the way, transport Bristol to a Fred Astaire dance studio promptly at noon every day. No reason for the noon thing. It just sounded nice.

5.      Exile Glen Beck to Del Rio, Texas. Sorry, People of Del Rio. I’ll think of something to compensate you later.

6.      Force-feed Rush Limbaugh a bottle of fast-acting diet pills three times daily.

7.      Recall John McCain to active service in the United States Navy, promote him to Admiral, and assign him as an aide to President Obama.

8.      Vaporize Obama’s long-form birth certificate. This will drive the Birthers nuts because they won’t be able to find a document they can claim was doctored.

9.      Change the name of California. I’ll entertain suggestions.

10.   Establish an e-mail system for communicating with my flock. I’ve become deaf from listening to the people in Del Rio complain about Glen Beck.

That’s about all I can handle at the moment. Thinking is tough work. But I would like to explain why most of my God-like actions are directed at conservatives or whatever they’re called today. No secret. They’re so visible. And loud. And…well…fill in the blanks.

Or, if you’re a conservative, perhaps you might consider publishing your own list of liberal bogeymen along with your fantasies about dispatching them to the far reaches of the universe.

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Rush Limbaugh is at it again. This time he displayed his linguistic talents to the world by doing his imitation of a speaker of the Chinese language.

Rush’s insensitivities and biases are well known, so this shouldn’t come as a surprise to anyone who is familiar with his absolute disdain for anything and everything in the universe.

Unfortunately, a legion of arguably average Americans agree with him. That’s sad. We’re better than that but we seem intent on convincing the world otherwise with our incessant criticisms of everything beyond our borders.

And this despite the fact that almost everything American today originated elsewhere, including some of the basic principles in the U.S. Constitution. And our most revered institution, the invisible hand of the marketplace, got its start in Scotland.

As for the Chinese, we should thank them. They gave the world gun powder and more Chinese restaurants than any other country in the world.

Most Americans are probably unaware that the Chinese supported the United States against Japan in the Second World War and were instrumental in our victories on the mainland of Asia.

Today, a few department stores would probably go out of business without cheap goods from China.

And, of course, we all know that China is one of the largest holders of U.S. debt in the world. If they decide to call it in, the United States would be in deep kimchee (which, by the way, is a Korean dish).

Rush is either too ignorant to know these things or he doesn’t care if he insults more than a billion Chinese people. I lean toward the latter. Its classic Rush.

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According to several reports, Rush Limbaugh has been rushed to a hospitlal in Honolulu after complaining about heart problems or something.

The name of the hospital hasn’t been included in most of the newspapers, but one reported that it was the Queen’s Medical Center in Honolulu.

That sounds right because Queen’s is the flagship hospital in the State of Hawai, if not in the Pacific region, and it has some of the best heart specialists in the nation on its staff. In that respect, Rush is fortunate.

On the otherhand, he may feel a wee mite uneasy. Queen’s staff consists primarily of Asians or Hawaii residents of Asian and Pacific Islands ancestry. There are a few staff who look like Rush, but not many. And I wonder, considering Rush’s well-known antipathy to anything non-white, how he is managing his daily interpersonal relationships.

The people of Hawaii are quite nice and pleasant and they tend to say nice things to others because the nature of the culture of Hawaii is, for the most part, non-confrontational.

On the other hand, they do not like what they refer to as “loud mouthed Haoles.” The word Haole in its original definition means simply “foreigner” or someone from a different place, although somewhere in my memory banks, I have this feeling that it may have referred to a white flower.

Be that as it may, Haole has become, in one sense, a derogatory term, as in, for example, “that damned Haole” or “that freakin’ Haole,” usually with a variation of the spelling of the word freakin’.

Rush Limbaugh’s radio personality is a perfect model of the Hawaii concept of a loud-mouthed Haole–verbal volume on extra high, opinionated,  critical of local ways and customs, superior in all respects, and condescending.

One would hope that Rush wouldn’t invoke his entertainer’s persona while a doctor or nurse from, for example, the Phillipines was busily engaged in ministering to his medical needs. These professionals would continue their treatment, but eventually, somehow, the word would get around. Lips flap even in professional circles.

Given Rush’s monetary situation, he may have called in his personal physician in an advisory role or he may have asked for a referral from his doctor.

Another possibility is that Rush in real life may be a decent human being and, consequenty, he may treat the local folks with the respect they deerve.

Sadly, I am in Texas at the moment and have no access to the ever-floating gossip that goes around below the radar in Hawaii. One of these days, though, the story of Rush’s stay in a Honolulu hospital will get around.

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So, Big Rush, you wanna challenge Barry to a debate? Mano y mano?

Big mistake, man. Not that you can’t whup Barry’s ass. He’s a lightweight compared to you, man. It’s just the wrong debate against the wrong guy at the wrong time.

I’m talking up front here, no one gives a crap about the economy and socialism and the stock market and health care and junk bonds. People want a debate about something important, something that affects their lives every day of the year for years to come. People want a debate about sex.

Why sex, you ask? Well, it’s this way, Big Rush, your constituents look at more porno than any other segment of the population but don’t get much real stuff. When you come right down to it, they don’t really know a heck of a lot about the really evil things men and women do.

In San Francisco, they have nonstop sex, booze, drugs, and scenery to boot. And there’s only one man who reportedly can talk intelligently about the real stuff. That’s the Mayor of San Francisco, Gavin Newsom

Although Gavie has turned over a new leaf, he still knows all about the things your constituents have only read about in comic books.

Railing against Gavo and watching him cringe would be a hell of a debate. Hell, man, you have one up on the guy before the debate even starts. Gavin Christopher? God Almighty! What kind of a man’s name is that?

And on top of that, the latest poll on the California Governor’s race in 2010 shows Gavo down near the bottom. Christ, Code Name DiFi is leading the pack. A woman, a plain ordinary woman. He can’t even beat a woman. You can’t lose against this guy.

But wait, there’s more.

You know how your people rail against hoe-muh-sek-yew-uhls?  Well, the Gavster will make a perfect target for you. Score some more points, eh?  Hee hee hee. He’s all in favor of same-sex marriage. You’ll have a field day.

But there is a danger here. Just a heads up. This guy is Hot, with a Capital HOT! The women and about half of the city’s male population fall all over the guy. Before the debate starts, you might want to shed 500 pounds or so. Tip: Head for a clinic in Beverly Hills.

So, one last little detail. You’ve got to work fast. Everyone in California wants a nude picture of this guy. Slip your debate challenge into a letter asking for a frontal nude shot. Oh, and enclose a side shot of yourself with that coal black tent you were wearing on television the other day. Check with a fashion consultant for just the proper amount of chest exposure to create the illusion of a rakish gentleman about town. Little things mean a lot.

Okay, Big Rush. Let me know how things turn out. We’ll be talkin’ you hear?

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