Rick Perry, the Governor of Texas, said recently that he may run for President. When I read the headline, I asked myself, “Why do the nuttiest of the nutty always want to be President?”
After my mind settled down, I figured out his motive. He wants Texas to secede from the Union. He wants to be in charge of the secession so he can rake in some bucks and head for Switzerland before the world collapses. Good thinking, Ricky.
As a newly-minted Texan, I have news for Rick. He has no chance of winning the Republican nomination much less an election for the presidency.
First of all, the world beyond Texas is scary. It’s populated with all kinds of people, gays, promiscuous women, crooked politicians, predatory bankers and other assorted monetary thieves, religious fanatics like Episcopalians, shouting heads such as Chris Matthews, and the University of Arkansas football team, a conglomeration of cast-off Texas high school football heroes who failed to make third team at UT, waiting to beat the crap out of the Longhorns.
The second and most important reason Rick doesn’t have a chance in national politics is a small matter of gender. For the first time in the history of the Grumpy old Puritans (thanks Renaissance Lady for the label), women are playing a paramount role in national presidential politics.
Michelle Bachman would shred Rick’s ego in any debate about who’s further to the right. Michelle has credentials Rick doesn’t even know exist, like a keen eye for the history of the Constitutional rights of Wisconsin cheese. Beat that, Ricky.
And don’t forget Sarah Palin. Sarah can see the USSR from her front porch, unless she’s moved to Arizona recently where she hopes to bring enlightenment to the population and solve the food shortage by teaching the fine citizens of AZ how to catch salmon with a 30-ought six. What’s your solution, Rick? Replace the mechanical bull with a mechanical Coho or sockeye?
On top of the preceding, there is now a Texans against Perry Facebook page.
All told, the cards are stacked against you, Rick. I see only one road to a successful presidential run. Toss your hat in the ring for the Office of President of United Fruit Company.
SF Bay Area 