Posts Tagged ‘John McCain’

Most of us  have probably wished at one time or another that we had the power to dispatch someone we don’t like to the outer reaches of Alpha Centauri.

This is just a fantasy, of course. We wouldn’t really do such a terrible thing. We are kindly people who firmly believe in loving our neighbor. At most, we might give someone a case of the hiccups for a day or so just for the heck of it.

But then again, wouldn’t it be fine to really possess God-like powers and use them in a God-like manner?

What would you do? What would I do? What if?

After a great deal of contemplation befitting God, I finally developed a list of tasks that I consider worthy of God’s attention.

1.      Consign Michelle Bachman to an eternity of reading Howard Zinn’s A People’s History of the United States.

2.      Reduce Antonin Scalia to a jabbering idiot so that he could never again rule on a case before the Supreme Court of the United States. Oh, wait. He already is a jabbering idiot.

3.      Cut off the water to Bristol Palin’s new home in the Arizona desert.

4.      And, oh, by the way, transport Bristol to a Fred Astaire dance studio promptly at noon every day. No reason for the noon thing. It just sounded nice.

5.      Exile Glen Beck to Del Rio, Texas. Sorry, People of Del Rio. I’ll think of something to compensate you later.

6.      Force-feed Rush Limbaugh a bottle of fast-acting diet pills three times daily.

7.      Recall John McCain to active service in the United States Navy, promote him to Admiral, and assign him as an aide to President Obama.

8.      Vaporize Obama’s long-form birth certificate. This will drive the Birthers nuts because they won’t be able to find a document they can claim was doctored.

9.      Change the name of California. I’ll entertain suggestions.

10.   Establish an e-mail system for communicating with my flock. I’ve become deaf from listening to the people in Del Rio complain about Glen Beck.

That’s about all I can handle at the moment. Thinking is tough work. But I would like to explain why most of my God-like actions are directed at conservatives or whatever they’re called today. No secret. They’re so visible. And loud. And…well…fill in the blanks.

Or, if you’re a conservative, perhaps you might consider publishing your own list of liberal bogeymen along with your fantasies about dispatching them to the far reaches of the universe.


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Sometimes, I think about doing things I’ve wanted to do for years but couldn’t for any number of legitimate reasons. Like, I want to drive across the U.S. from Seattle to New York. I’ve done the Southern thing and the Heartland drive, but that was when I was younger and drove like a bat out of hell to reach my destination.

Now, I’m in a more leisurely frame of mind. I want to meander. Like a lot of things, though, there’s a hitch. Embarking on a trip like I have in mind is just a boring drive unless there is someone else along to share the driving and chat about the sights along the way.

Unfortunately, everyone today is busy making a living, except one of my cousins, who likes to catch snakes and make durable goods out of snakeskin. I’m afraid the guy would want to pull over somewhere in Wyoming and tromp through the brush looking for a rattler. I have absolutely no desire to drive down the main street of Cheyenne with a bunch of rattle snake skins flapping from a side view mirror. So, on this fantasy, the drive is still alive but my cousin is out.

In addition to cruising across the scenic U.S., I have other adventures in mind. Here are a few.

  • Pack a sky diving parachute for Michelle Bachman
  • Bungee jump in tandem with Lady Gaga
  • Referee a cage fight between Nancy Pelosi and John McCain
  • Become a long haul big rig driving philosopher-disk jockey
  • Light the fuse on the first manned space flight to Mars
  • Dance with the Stars
  • Be attacked in an elevator by Diane Lane
  • Write, produce, direct, and star in a movie of my life
  • Develop a political ideology based on E=MC2, where E equals Extraneous Gas, M equals Open Mouth, and C equals the Speed of Flapping Lips. In plain English—Extraneous Gas equals Open Mouth times the Speed of Flapping Lips Squared
  • Perform miraculous, life-altering brain surgery on John Boehner on the day the anesthesiologist calls in on sick leave

Okay, those are some of my fantasies. What are a few of yours?

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Open Salon recently put out a call for the sexiest man living. That’s patently unfair to heterosexual males like me because we don’t look at other men as sexy. Speaking only for myself, I view men in general as dorks. There’s no hotness, no sexiness to a dork.

Sarah Palin, on the other hand, is no dork. She is sexy as all get out and has more balls than most men I know. She’s strong and independent, with nerve above that of Nancy Pelosi, my runner-up selection in case a sex-tape of Sarah and Levi Johnston pops up.

Sarah epitomizes your American ideal of maleness. She’s an outdoorsman par excellence, a hunter, a fisherman, a camper, ready at a moment’s notice to fight a salmon until it tires and then slap it skin, bones, eyes, and entrails over an open-fire or eat it raw.

She definitely dominates the landscape around her, exuding charisma by the bucketful. Beside her, John McCain is a wizened, shriveled shadow of a real man. If I could bottle and sell her essence, I’d be a millionaire in short order.

And talk about testosterone, it shines from her forehead like a glinting diamond, catching the eye and holding it until she disappears from view.

As far as outward physical attributes go, she has an amazing skull. With her prognathous jaw, heavy brow, deep-set eyes, high cheekbones, and ruby red lips, she signals her genetic superiority to all potential mates.

Put all of the above together with a pair of legs to die for, and you have Sarah Palin as My Sexiest Man Living.

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I confess straight up and down that I didn’t watch much of Barack’s speech yesterday. I was too engrossed in the audience.

There was Turncoat Joe, sitting up front somewhere with his classic just-been-hit-in-the-forehead-with-a-rubber-mallet vacant stare, silly grin and all. Sure, he hugged Barack later, but that was just another blatant example of his opportunistic sincerity.

And then Senator Shelby of Alabama. He just stared down at his desk or something, like a sixth grader waiting for the recess bell to ring. To refresh our memories, Shelby not too long ago wandered through fields of poppies and came out wondering if Obama was really qualified to be the President. Then, when someone asked him if he really believed what he had said, he parsed and ‘splained until he worked himself around to his original statement. I think he was tripping through Oz for sure and I bet it galled him that he had to look upward from his seat at Obama behind a kingly dais.

Not to mention Sarah Palin’s ex. Ole John Boy sat there indolently like a Navy captain sneering at some poor seaman. Isn’t it odd that when we think of John, the first image that pops up in our minds is of Sarah as a Miss Alaska Runner-up?

And who could fail to notice Madam Pelosi, even more elevated than Barack, cheering him on with such enthusiasm that at one point she leaped out of her chair and exhorted the crowd to cheer and clap in the manner of a high school cheerleader? This is the same Madam Pelosi who, not long ago, warned Barack that he and Joe better not impinge on her turf. And who, before that, seemed enthralled with GB II’s Iraq war spending. (Note that I did not capitalize the word “war” or classify the operation over there as a real war. I view Iraq as one battle in a larger war, the war for hearts and minds, which we rapidly began losing with the ascendancy of Rush Limnbaugh to the shadow office of Uber-President.)

As for the speech itself, presidential speeches serve many purposes, paramount among them rallying the party and instilling a sense of public confidence in the President. Obama certainly achieved the latter. In a day-after poll, the percentage of those confident in him and his abilities hovered at 91 percent.

Presidential speeches also function as a road map for the nation. They envision the President’s goals and his means of achieving them (programs, e.g.). In the latter sense, only time will tell. A great deal will depend on a cooperative Congress as well as an improving economy. Not all events and outcomes are at the President’s pleasure. However, I am optimistic that Obama’s vision will trump Bobby Jindal’s any day.

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I have this sneaking feeling that Billy Jeff likes John McCain better than he likes Barack Obama.

I mean, he praises John in glowing terms, and he admires Sarah Failin’s gutsiness. He even introduced John at an event of some sort. The body language of both men talked louder than words.

On the other hand, he hardly mentions Barack’s name and he still has a dificcult time admitting that Barack is ready to be the President on D-Day. And recently, he continued to maintain that Hillary would have been a better VP pick.

Is Billy Jeff one of those closet Bubbas who publicly proclaim their support for Barack but who fully intend to vote for John when the curtain to the voting booth closes? Is he one of the 33 percent of White Democrats who are somehow worried about a Barack presidency?

We’ve written early on that the Democratic Party power brokers aren’t exactly shouting Barack’s praises from the rooftops. Many have been remarkably silent. Moreover, the few Democratic honchos who support Barack have begun to wonder if Billy Jeff’s heart is in it.

Here’s the way I dope it all out. If Barack wins, he isn’t going to appoint Billy to any cabinet post or as any sort of special envoy to the Middle East or any other area. Barack doesn’t want a Clinton stamp on any part of his presidency. Billy knows all of this because he’s a pretty astute pol.

Consequently, he’s hedging his bets. If John wins, Billy will stand a better chance of playing some role in government. Billy is, after all, a creature of massive ego.

So, what should Barack do now? His best course is to ignore Bubba’s blubberings. And if he actually wins in November, be nice to Bill and Hil, but relegate them to the far reaches of Galaxy M-31 as far as any role, social or official is concerned.

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Would you buy a pig in a poke? Oops. Can’t say that. Too sensitive for Sarah Palin’s vulnerable psyche.

How about “You can’t make a silk purse out of sow’s ear?” Holy, Mary, Mother of Jesus! An eternity of Hail Mary’s will not cleanse the air of such blaspheny! Dear God, smite the offender with Your Flaming Sword.

Everyone on the planet is offering Obama advice, some good, some lousy. I may as well offer a few words of wisdom as well. Go along with the crowd.

Lay it out straight, Barry. Let the Republicans know in no uncertain terms that you and your campaign will henceforth treat Sarah Palin as the 44 year old adult that she is instead of some fragile adolescent.

Just say it. Sarah is in the big leagues. She isn’t some sacrosanct innocent, hiding behind a hockey mom persona. She deserves no more respect than your average Political Bear. If she can’t take the heat, get out of the kitchen.

Broadcast it loud and clear. Anyone who purports to be qualified for the office of President of the United States will not be spared the slings and arrows of outrageous political campaigning in America.

Put it on the line. The entrenched Bush-McCain Beltway power structure can bleat and whine and snivel until doomsday. Go ahead. Sarah Palin is now a part of that structure, and we fully intend to inform the American people about her association with and support for a failed foreign policy and eight years of absolute chaos in America’s domestic affairs.

Shout it to the rooftops. She chose her own path. She made a conscious decision to become McCain’s running mate. When she said yes, she said so in full control of her mental faculties, and with malice aforethought, she agreed to accept the condition that she in her turn will attack us and use the McCain attack squad to its fullest capabilities. She will receive no less in return.

I have little confidence, Barry, that you will pay attention to a word I’ve written. The history of the Democratic Party and of your quest for victory in November reveal clearly a pattern of response rather than attack. That’s why the Republicans are whupping your ass. Get off of it and at least demonstrate the courage of Sarah Palin.

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Can you name the religion of every president in the history of the United States, beginning with George Washington?

Neither can I. How about the religion of the three major contenders for the presidency, Barack, Hillary, and John Boy?

Nope, I didn’t know that either. But I researched the matter, and I found that a vast majority of our presidents have been affiliated with very few churches in the Christian pantheon.

Here’s a little table I tossed together to illustrate my point. I’ve included the three contenders in their proper places, but I didn’t add them to the numbers. Is your church on the list of preferred religious providers?

Religion Nr. Presidents
Episcopalian 12 Washington, Madison, Monroe, van Buren, Harrison, Tyler, Taylor, Pierce, Arthur, Franklin Roosevelt, Ford, Bush I, (John Boy)
Presbyterian 7 Jackson, Buchanan, Lincoln, Cleveland, Harrison, Wilson, Eisenhower,
Unitarian 4 Adams, Quincy Adams, Fillmore, Taft
Baptist 4 Harding, Truman, Carter, Clinton
Disciples of Christ 2 Garfield, Lyndon Johnson,
Dutch Reformed 1 Teddy Roosevelt
Methodist 3 Grant, McKinley, Bush II, (Hillary)
Mixed 4 Polk, Andrew Johnson, Hayes, Reagan
Quaker 2 Hoover, Nixon
Catholic 1 Kennedy
(Church of Christ 1 Obama)
Congregationalist 1 Coolidge
Deist 1 Jefferson

Presidents of Mixed Persuasion

  • Polk. At various times, a Presbyterian and a Methodist
  • Andrew Johnson. A Methodist who admired elements of Catholicism
  • Hayes. Presbyterian, Episcopalian, and Methodist
  • Reagan. Disciples of Christ and Presbyterian

What conclusions might we draw from the data? The numbers certainly seem to demonstrate a fairly wide variety of presidential religions that are acceptable to the public.

None of the presidents claimed to have “No Religion,” but that’s good, clean, American common sense. In our country, “No Religion” would be equal to Atheism, and that’s the kiss of death for anyone wishing to grow up to be president.

One religion, which may or may not be a proper religion, is Deism, practiced by Jefferson. He was nevertheless widely castigated for his “devilish” beliefs.

The two presidents from California, Hoover and Nixon, were Quakers. The Quaker religion is said to be one of peace and harmony, and many Quakers in the past have sought conscientious objector status when military conscription was in effect. Nixon, however, was a Commander in the U.S. Navy in World War II. Hoover has no record of military service.

The Constitution clearly prohibits any religious test for public office, but that seems to apply to some sort of official action by the government rather than a subtle bias against or for a particular religion, which is difficult to prove.

One wonders how the debate would play out if a highly popular candidate professed to have no religion or to be a member of a church that isn’t in favor. Are we as religiously tolerant as we profess to be?

Addendum of sorts

The data in this post were taken from the book The Complete Book of U.S. Presidents, Fourth Edition, by William A. DeGregorio and published by Vantage Books, New York, 1993.

If you notice any errors in here, let me know and I’ll correct them.

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