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Posts Tagged ‘Gavin Newsom’

Every year around this time, I do a couple of things. I make a list of resolutions that I fully intend to ignore. And I review my favorite blogs. This year, I’m having a hard time with both. It isn’t that I don’t want to improve my condition with some common sense guideposts or that I don’t read my favorite blogs. It’s just that other things weigh on my mind. For instance, when el Gavo disappears into the bowels of SACTO, who will we have to kick around? I mean, everyone needs a political punching bag, but California’s Lieutenant Governor has few if any official duties to screw up. However, the Gov Lite is the Vice Executive of the state. Maybe there’s hope after all.

Okay, I’ll start with my resolutions for 2011 and then work on my list of blogs later. Let’s see, in 2011, I resolve to…

  • Watch more television
  • Eat more crappy food
  • Complain more
  • Visit Wasilla AK for a visual tour of Siberia
  • Punch a life-sized cutout of Barack Obama
  • Kick a little old lady in the solar plexus
  • Alienate several faithful friends
  • Rewrite the U.S. Constitution
  • Start smoking again and flick ashes on buffet food
  • Secede from the United Nations

Hmmmm. On reflection, I may need a new list. This reads like the job description of a politician.

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Some things are just sad. There’s no getting around them. You have your list, I have mine. Here’s mine, in no particular order of emphasis or importance.

1.      Bristol Palin Dances until the End. I should have enclosed dances in quotes to signify some doubt about the classification of her movements on Dancing with the Stars as real dancing. I’ll admit that she improved somewhat over the course of the show, but, man (and woman, too), when Brandy was dropped and Bristol remained, I had the distinct impression that the Stars voting public was absolutely nuts, kind of like that fraction of the public that voted for Christine O’Donnell. Sad.

2. The Demise of San Francisco’s CBS 5 Eye on Blogs. When this site bit the dust, a tear fell. I really liked reading first Britney Gilbert’s and then her replacement Beth Spotswood’s commentaries about items appearing in local Bay Area blogs. And there was a plethora of blogs on the list. Britney, the site’s developer, scoured the ‘net and compiled a list of blogs second to none. Then she summarized the best in daily commentaries. But not to leave anyone out, she formatted an RSS feed of all of the other blogs. Now, the site is dead. Or at least it appears so. No content has been added to it since September 8, 2010. Sad.

3. The Election of Gavin Newsom as Lieutenant Governor of California. Gavin Newsom rose to his First Level of Incompetence when he assumed the position of Mayor of San Francisco in January 2004. With his re-election four years later, he soared to the Second Level. Now, if and when he decides to take the Oath of Office of Lieutenant Governor, he will be in a position of exalted heights, a Level of Incompetence heretofore unknown in the State of California. If there is a ray of sunshine in Newsom’s election, it may well be an almost complete absence of authorities, duties, and responsibilities in the Lieutenant Governor’s job description. On the other hand, if Jerry Brown should pass on or otherwise become unable to carry-out the duties of Governor, Newsom would become the Chief Executive of California. Now that would be just plain disheartening.

4. When a Blue City Beat Hell out of a Red State. Tears flowed all over the State of Texas when the San Francisco Giants handily polished off the Texas Rangers five games to one in the 2010 World Series. I was in Texas when the final ignominy occurred, and I watched firsthand the gnashing of teeth and the wailing of Texans of all demographic stripes. Most were ready to secede from the Union, convinced that the San Francisco Giants were ringers from Krypton. But when the reality of life finally took hold, the leaders of Texas decided to remain a State of the United States with its attendant benefits, primary among them the receipt of more federal aid than the State of California. Depressing.

5. Happy Meals, Keep Serving Happy Meals. When San Francisco’s Board of Supervisors voted to ban toys from McDonald’s Happy Meals sold within the City limits it made a whole lotta people unhappy.  Especially kids. Kids want their toys and I don’t blame them. What the hell do the Supes know about kids anyway? These old geezers oughta take a trip down memory lane, a trip back to their own childhood days and relive some of the things that made them happy, stuff like marbles and yo-yo’s and knickers. How would they have felt if a bunch of know-it-all adults had deprived them of the joys of life? This may not be the most depressing event of 2010 but it is the dumbest.

6. Tulsa 62, Hawaii 28.

I’m closing my list with the Tulsa-Hawaii fiasco. The pain is too much to bear. Have a very Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year. As for me, I am happy to be with family on this Christmas Day of 2010. The events of the past year are at this moment totally irrelevant in the scheme of my life. If only we could extend our holiday cheer and goodwill to all of the days of our lives, the world would be a better place.

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‘Tis the season talking heads begin to summarize the ten best and ten worst whatevahs of the preceding year. Between now and the end of 2010 and into 2011, we’ll be bombarded with erudite analyses of events and personalities such as The Ten Most Provocative Celebrities of the Year, the Ten Dumbest Politicians of the Year, and the Ten Sexiest Republican Senators. This latter list may well consist of nothing more than a period of silence as a talking head scratches his or her scalp and looks at a blank teleprompter.

I’m not a talking head but I’ve decided to join their ranks and provide Real Americans with my first top ten list of the season. It’s a statistically generated compilation of the top ten lists that thinking men and women are really interested in.

1.      Top Ten Television Programs American Hate but Can’t Stop Watching

2.      Top Ten Traffic Congestion Points in Goldfield, Nevada

3.      Top Ten Celebrities Whose Names Escape Me

4.      Top Ten Shapeliest Legs on Dancing with the Stars

5.      Top Ten People We Want to See Exiled to Wasilla, Alaska

6.      Top Ten Country Songs That Don’t Make Us Want to Get Drunk and Cry

7.      Top Ten Brands of Super Glue You Would Use to Seal Gavin Newsom’s Lips

8.      Top Ten Tanning Spas to Deepen John Boehner’s Orange Tan

9.      Top Ten Individuals You Would Not Select for Your Staff if you Became Interim Mayor of San Francisco

10.   Top Ten Dumbest Answers to the Question “Does Size Matter?”

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Dennis Herrera has announced his candidacy for the Mayor’s job in San Francisco. A long time ago, Dennis was one of my Facebook Friends. I didn’t ask him to befriend me. The request ostensibly came from him, but it’s highly probable that a clerk or an assistant in his office sent out blanket Friend requests and somehow, purely as an afterthought or by mistake, included my name.

This was during a brief time in my Facebook life when I was receiving requests from politicians left and right. And like the naïve novice I was, I accepted them all, flattered that I was actually in their thoughts. Later, I learned otherwise. I was caught in the midst of a drive by every politician in the state to build up their Facebook Friend list to establish their viability as candidates. I never received a request from Gavin, though. He apparently had enough friends. One more anonymous blogger would have been a mere redundancy.

At any rate, one day I asked myself a question, “Why is my Friends’ list packed with noncommunicative politicians?”

Answering myself, I said, “I don’t know, but I’m getting rid of them.” So, I systematically went through my list and purged all politicians, except one guy who attended the same university I did. I thought about old school loyalty when I finally decided to leave him on my list. I’m thinking of removing him, though. He hasn’t responded to my post informing him that we are school buddies.

I want to make it clear that I have never met and have no intentions of ever meeting any politician whose Facebook Friend list numbers above 20. There is such a thing as overdoing a good thing. This isn’t to suggest that I’ve never met a politician. I have. Many. Up close. Personal.

I must have had a run of bad luck because everyone was either egotistical, arrogant, or an asshole. None had mastered the essential political skill of faking sincerity. Every single one of them, man and woman, could have profited from several private sessions presented by Sally on How to Fake a Political Orgasm.

I’m not suggesting that any of the above adjectives or descriptions apply to Dennis Herrera. In fact, a guy from New York State can’t be all bad. My best friend in the Air Force was an Italian kid from the Bronx who taught me to speak Italian. Unfortunately, the only word I remember is lapis, meaning pencil. So, if I ever walk up to you, Dennis, and say lapis, I’ll expect you to reflexively reach for your pencil.

On the other hand, Herrera may be Hispanic for all I know, or even Portuguese. According to one source, the surname Herrera is Derived from the Spanish herrería, meaning place where ironwork is made, the Herrera surname means “worker in iron, a blacksmith.” According to the Instituto Genealógico e Histórico Latino-Americano, this Castellan surname originated in the Villa of Pedraza, in the province of Segovia, in Castile and Leon, Spain.

Now, that’s a commendable generic genealogy for a politician. It has all of the right words, iron, worker, Castellan. I’d be proud of these credentials myself except I’m not Hispanic.

Even so, if I were Dennis’s agent or something, I could work with these quals. A few examples of pithy themes: “Man of Iron. Faster than a speeding ballot. More powerful than a loco voter. Able to leap tall issues in a single bound.”

But I’m merely speculating. Regardless of his birth pedigree, Dennis Herrera is undoubtedly a nice guy. Unfortunately, I won’t be voting for him. I’m a registered voter of another planet. Nevertheless, I spend a good deal of time in the Bay Area and the city, receiving updates from relatives and a gay expert on politics who lives in the City.

However, Dennis, if you ever need a positive and glowing review on this blog, have your campaign manager write one and send it to me. I’ll run it under my name.

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I caught the last thirty minutes of the Bill Maher Show starring Gavin Newsom last night. For those of you unfamiliar with the politics of San Francisco and California, Gavin is the mayor of San Francisco who aspires to become the state’s next lieutenant governor.

Based on my observation and deep analysis of Gavin’s performance, he is well-suited to appear interested as others say funny things and occasionally engage in semi-serious discussions. He showed himself to be a master at nodding, smiling, and opening and closing his palms.

He also occasionally demonstrated a command of the facts of Catholicism in Africa. For example, in the midst of a discussion about priests, the Pope, and little boys, he noted that the number of Catholics in Africa increased from a ridiculously small number in 1900 to a really big number today.

I actually couldn’t tell how he reacted to Bill Maher’s closing monologue. The cameraman studiously avoided him and perhaps rightly so. Maher’s monologue was about love, amply illustrated with the names of well-known politicians, including Mark Sanford, the Governor of South Carolina, a man who found true love in Argentina at the expense of his marriage, and Larry Craig, the men’s room tap-dancing congressman from Idaho.

But one thing I noticed about Gavin that hadn’t caught my attention before. He has a profile reminiscent of the legendary acting clan, the Barrymores.  Ethel, I think.

At any rate, the real political test of Gavin’s appearance is whether or not it will enhance his chances of winning the primary and general elections. A lot of people watch the Bill Maher Show. Demographically, they are probably in line with Gavin’s social liberalism.

But that may have a minimal effect on the election. The real questions are these: how many of Bill’s viewers live in California, and of that number, how many are registered to vote and actually will vote.  Elections are unpredictable, despite contrary opinions by the poll takers. My guess is that Gavin’s appearance will have no effect one way or the other on his electability.

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According to Joe the Talking Head Who Smokes Cigars and Sweats Profusely, here is absolute proof that Obama is a failed President.

  1. Tiger Woods isn’t going to take questions at his public appearance tomorrow.
  2. Heidi Montag is going to bare it all for Playboy.
  3. A Utah state senator proposes to eliminate the 12th grade in Utah schools.
  4. Tim Urban replaces Chris Golightly in American Idol’s Top 24.
  5. God told Moses, “Do not lust in your heart for Hollywood bimbos, either.”
  6. A plague of grasshoppers is expected to descend on Northern Nevada this year.
  7. Joe stepped on a crack and nothing happened.
  8. The alien body in Area 51 is the real Barack Obama.
  9. Joe thinks, but he isn’t certain, Gavin Newsom (will) (will not) (who cares) run for Lieutenant Governor of San Francisco.
  10. Dick Cheney supports waterboarding.

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That’s a headline that will probably never find its way into newspepers in California, even though it’s perfectly logical when you think about it.

Gavin Newsom, the Mayor of the City and County of San Francisco, has been mulling a run for Lieutenant Governor of California. The major duty of the Lt Gov is to act as “Vice-Executive of the State of California.”

I’m sure the subtle double meaning of “vice executive” hasn’t escaped your attention.

According to Dictionary.com, the word vice has several meanings. Heading the list is “an immoral or evil habit or practice.”

Naturally, folks in the Heartland have probably already pegged the State of California in general and the City of San Francisco specificlally as the universal center for the practice of immoral and evil habits of all sorts.

Gavin Newsom came to their attention when he declared same-sex marriages legal in the City and immediately began issuing marriage licenses to same-sex couples.

In the minds of many dedicated Red Staters, homosexuality is the ultimate vice, an act voluntarily engaged in by a depraved segment of the population, most of whom reside in San Francisco.

To this segment of America, it is therefore merely stating the obvious to consider the Lieutenant Governor of Californiato be the state’s vice executive in the most evil sense of the word.

To most reasonable and erudite individuals, however, the word “vice” may evoke images of a “combining form meaning “deputy,” used in the formation of compound words, usually titles of officials who serve in the absence of the official denoted by the base word: viceroy; vice-chancellor.

In other words, the Lieutenant Governor acts as Governor when the Gov is absent for any one of a variety of reasons.  The Lt Gov acts in lieu thereof, a rather innocent interpretation.

Still a third group may use vice in an entirely different sense:  any of various devices, usually having two jaws that may be brought together or separated by means of a screw, lever, or the like, used to hold an object firmly while work is being done on it.

The members of this group, to which I belong, will probably respond, when asked to define vice, by grabbing the questioner’s thumb, sticking it between the two jaws and tightening the screws until he or shc screams.

This is exactly how I feel when think about the U.S. Senate.

Postscript. The ultimate outcome of the legality of same-sex marriage in California was settled, sort of, with a state constitutional amendment defining marriage as a union between a man and a woman.

The Amendment succeeded because conservative forces in California, with a little help from their friends outside of the state, carried the day. But Newsom gained a reputation as a champion of same-sex marriage nationwide.

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