Archive for February, 2013

Occasionaly, I feel a need to talk to God so I call him on His private line. He’s listed in the Yellow Pages under Sid The Miracle Worker and Purveyor of Blueberry Pies.

As he explains it, “Nothing is more comforting than a hot slice of blueberry pie slathered with a big dipper of vanilla ice cream.”

“Sid, “says I, “it’s time you did something about Congress, specifically the tea baggers. We’ve got a president who was elected overwhelmingly but a minor cadre of tea baggers think they are running the government.”

“I understand your problem, Bubba, but…”

I interrupted him, ”How many times have I told you, Sid, the name is Bob not Bubba.”

“Sorry, I must be getting old. Yesterday, I couldn’t remember the name of the guy who irritates me with crazy prayers, like “Dear God, would you please change Barack Obama into a frog?”

“Mitch McConnell?”

“That’s him. Anyway, I gave him an active colony of crabs to keep his face tight for awhile.”

“Quick thinking, Sid.”

“That’s my forte, Pal.”

” Well, think quick on this one: Dear, Sid, would you kindly convert the tea baggers into a bunch of jabbering baboons.”

“That would be an insult to real baboons, son.”

“Well, then, how about cutting off their pay when the Sequester kicks in?”

“Possible. Let me think about it.”

“Or, change their guns to cap pistols or something?”

“Hehehehe. That’s wicked.”

“I knew you’d like it.”

“While I’m rolling your ideas around in my heavenly brain, you take a break. Treat your friends¬† to some comforting hot blueberry pie and ice cream.”

“Sorry to say, Sid, I have no money. The Sequester has plain cleaned me out.”

“I would give you a gift certificate, boy, but I’m a little short myself. Those damned baboons in congress have sequestered me right out of my rightful place in Heaven. We’re going ala carte in Sid’s Blueberry Emporium. And, beginning March 1, the price of a prayer will increase 20%.”

“My, God,” I said, “The tea baggers have taken over Heaven.”

“We’ve filed incorporation papers. We’ll be Heavenly Compassion, Inc.¬†soon. I’ve been placed on the Retired List.”

“Tell me, Sid, who’s going to be God after you leave?”

“Jerry Falwell.

Somehow, I’ve lost my appetite for blueberry pie.


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