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Archive for December, 2010

Every year around this time, I do a couple of things. I make a list of resolutions that I fully intend to ignore. And I review my favorite blogs. This year, I’m having a hard time with both. It isn’t that I don’t want to improve my condition with some common sense guideposts or that I don’t read my favorite blogs. It’s just that other things weigh on my mind. For instance, when el Gavo disappears into the bowels of SACTO, who will we have to kick around? I mean, everyone needs a political punching bag, but California’s Lieutenant Governor has few if any official duties to screw up. However, the Gov Lite is the Vice Executive of the state. Maybe there’s hope after all.

Okay, I’ll start with my resolutions for 2011 and then work on my list of blogs later. Let’s see, in 2011, I resolve to…

  • Watch more television
  • Eat more crappy food
  • Complain more
  • Visit Wasilla AK for a visual tour of Siberia
  • Punch a life-sized cutout of Barack Obama
  • Kick a little old lady in the solar plexus
  • Alienate several faithful friends
  • Rewrite the U.S. Constitution
  • Start smoking again and flick ashes on buffet food
  • Secede from the United Nations

Hmmmm. On reflection, I may need a new list. This reads like the job description of a politician.

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Some things are just sad. There’s no getting around them. You have your list, I have mine. Here’s mine, in no particular order of emphasis or importance.

1.      Bristol Palin Dances until the End. I should have enclosed dances in quotes to signify some doubt about the classification of her movements on Dancing with the Stars as real dancing. I’ll admit that she improved somewhat over the course of the show, but, man (and woman, too), when Brandy was dropped and Bristol remained, I had the distinct impression that the Stars voting public was absolutely nuts, kind of like that fraction of the public that voted for Christine O’Donnell. Sad.

2. The Demise of San Francisco’s CBS 5 Eye on Blogs. When this site bit the dust, a tear fell. I really liked reading first Britney Gilbert’s and then her replacement Beth Spotswood’s commentaries about items appearing in local Bay Area blogs. And there was a plethora of blogs on the list. Britney, the site’s developer, scoured the ‘net and compiled a list of blogs second to none. Then she summarized the best in daily commentaries. But not to leave anyone out, she formatted an RSS feed of all of the other blogs. Now, the site is dead. Or at least it appears so. No content has been added to it since September 8, 2010. Sad.

3. The Election of Gavin Newsom as Lieutenant Governor of California. Gavin Newsom rose to his First Level of Incompetence when he assumed the position of Mayor of San Francisco in January 2004. With his re-election four years later, he soared to the Second Level. Now, if and when he decides to take the Oath of Office of Lieutenant Governor, he will be in a position of exalted heights, a Level of Incompetence heretofore unknown in the State of California. If there is a ray of sunshine in Newsom’s election, it may well be an almost complete absence of authorities, duties, and responsibilities in the Lieutenant Governor’s job description. On the other hand, if Jerry Brown should pass on or otherwise become unable to carry-out the duties of Governor, Newsom would become the Chief Executive of California. Now that would be just plain disheartening.

4. When a Blue City Beat Hell out of a Red State. Tears flowed all over the State of Texas when the San Francisco Giants handily polished off the Texas Rangers five games to one in the 2010 World Series. I was in Texas when the final ignominy occurred, and I watched firsthand the gnashing of teeth and the wailing of Texans of all demographic stripes. Most were ready to secede from the Union, convinced that the San Francisco Giants were ringers from Krypton. But when the reality of life finally took hold, the leaders of Texas decided to remain a State of the United States with its attendant benefits, primary among them the receipt of more federal aid than the State of California. Depressing.

5. Happy Meals, Keep Serving Happy Meals. When San Francisco’s Board of Supervisors voted to ban toys from McDonald’s Happy Meals sold within the City limits it made a whole lotta people unhappy.  Especially kids. Kids want their toys and I don’t blame them. What the hell do the Supes know about kids anyway? These old geezers oughta take a trip down memory lane, a trip back to their own childhood days and relive some of the things that made them happy, stuff like marbles and yo-yo’s and knickers. How would they have felt if a bunch of know-it-all adults had deprived them of the joys of life? This may not be the most depressing event of 2010 but it is the dumbest.

6. Tulsa 62, Hawaii 28.

I’m closing my list with the Tulsa-Hawaii fiasco. The pain is too much to bear. Have a very Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year. As for me, I am happy to be with family on this Christmas Day of 2010. The events of the past year are at this moment totally irrelevant in the scheme of my life. If only we could extend our holiday cheer and goodwill to all of the days of our lives, the world would be a better place.

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‘Tis the season talking heads begin to summarize the ten best and ten worst whatevahs of the preceding year. Between now and the end of 2010 and into 2011, we’ll be bombarded with erudite analyses of events and personalities such as The Ten Most Provocative Celebrities of the Year, the Ten Dumbest Politicians of the Year, and the Ten Sexiest Republican Senators. This latter list may well consist of nothing more than a period of silence as a talking head scratches his or her scalp and looks at a blank teleprompter.

I’m not a talking head but I’ve decided to join their ranks and provide Real Americans with my first top ten list of the season. It’s a statistically generated compilation of the top ten lists that thinking men and women are really interested in.

1.      Top Ten Television Programs American Hate but Can’t Stop Watching

2.      Top Ten Traffic Congestion Points in Goldfield, Nevada

3.      Top Ten Celebrities Whose Names Escape Me

4.      Top Ten Shapeliest Legs on Dancing with the Stars

5.      Top Ten People We Want to See Exiled to Wasilla, Alaska

6.      Top Ten Country Songs That Don’t Make Us Want to Get Drunk and Cry

7.      Top Ten Brands of Super Glue You Would Use to Seal Gavin Newsom’s Lips

8.      Top Ten Tanning Spas to Deepen John Boehner’s Orange Tan

9.      Top Ten Individuals You Would Not Select for Your Staff if you Became Interim Mayor of San Francisco

10.   Top Ten Dumbest Answers to the Question “Does Size Matter?”

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