Archive for March, 2009

Do names determine destiny? We believe so. Men with masculine names like John, William, and Rock have an advantage in their youth. In grade school for example, no one teases a kid with a masculine name, unless it belongs to  a girl.  Male Johns and Bills et al usually become confident movers and shakers.

On the other hand, and we mean no disrespect here, a kid who carries a name like Chauncey or Horatio is going to catch hell, unless he happens to be the captain of the football team.

What about female names? Same logic. An acceptable name means a life of, well, acceptance. An odd one like Moonbeam (not talking about Jerry) is a heavy load to carry.

What does any of this have to do with important matters of state? Someday, before we realize how quickly time passes, Missrus Newsom is going to give birth to a boy or a girl. And we are certain the proud parents are already in the process of selecting a name for the fortunate child.

To help them along, our staff decided to offer a few suggestions. We began with a unisex name, one befitting the Heartland’s widely-held perception of a native-born San Franciscan. Shirley is nice. Jordan and Micah also pass muster. In the final analysis, though, our staff voted for Sally.

In case the proud couple has a female child, we tossed around Gavarina, but then we settled on Gavalina. And just to demonstrate our empathy with the Missrus, we thought a cute touch would be Seibelina as a middle name. Doesn’t that sound nice? Gavalina Siebilina Newsom.

We had an equally difficult task choosing an appropriate name for a masculine child. Someone suggested Gavin Christopher Newsom II. It has a regal ring about it if we do say so. But it seems to lack something. Said aloud, it is definitely bland, like a sugar-free vanilla ice cream cone.

We kicked around a few more possibilities, Chuck, Stud,  Dick, Hornblower, but none seemed appropriate.

Finally our East Coast Intrepid Journalist hit the nail on the head. Almost.

Governor Gavster Newsom.

The problem is, if a name is destiny, Governor might prevent the child or its father from achieving a political office beyond the State of California. Yet, Senator or President sounds presumptions. Either name might hold the child up to ridicule.

Man, choosing a kid’s name takes a hell of a lot of brain power.

Good luck, Caped Duo.


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So, Big Rush, you wanna challenge Barry to a debate? Mano y mano?

Big mistake, man. Not that you can’t whup Barry’s ass. He’s a lightweight compared to you, man. It’s just the wrong debate against the wrong guy at the wrong time.

I’m talking up front here, no one gives a crap about the economy and socialism and the stock market and health care and junk bonds. People want a debate about something important, something that affects their lives every day of the year for years to come. People want a debate about sex.

Why sex, you ask? Well, it’s this way, Big Rush, your constituents look at more porno than any other segment of the population but don’t get much real stuff. When you come right down to it, they don’t really know a heck of a lot about the really evil things men and women do.

In San Francisco, they have nonstop sex, booze, drugs, and scenery to boot. And there’s only one man who reportedly can talk intelligently about the real stuff. That’s the Mayor of San Francisco, Gavin Newsom

Although Gavie has turned over a new leaf, he still knows all about the things your constituents have only read about in comic books.

Railing against Gavo and watching him cringe would be a hell of a debate. Hell, man, you have one up on the guy before the debate even starts. Gavin Christopher? God Almighty! What kind of a man’s name is that?

And on top of that, the latest poll on the California Governor’s race in 2010 shows Gavo down near the bottom. Christ, Code Name DiFi is leading the pack. A woman, a plain ordinary woman. He can’t even beat a woman. You can’t lose against this guy.

But wait, there’s more.

You know how your people rail against hoe-muh-sek-yew-uhls?  Well, the Gavster will make a perfect target for you. Score some more points, eh?  Hee hee hee. He’s all in favor of same-sex marriage. You’ll have a field day.

But there is a danger here. Just a heads up. This guy is Hot, with a Capital HOT! The women and about half of the city’s male population fall all over the guy. Before the debate starts, you might want to shed 500 pounds or so. Tip: Head for a clinic in Beverly Hills.

So, one last little detail. You’ve got to work fast. Everyone in California wants a nude picture of this guy. Slip your debate challenge into a letter asking for a frontal nude shot. Oh, and enclose a side shot of yourself with that coal black tent you were wearing on television the other day. Check with a fashion consultant for just the proper amount of chest exposure to create the illusion of a rakish gentleman about town. Little things mean a lot.

Okay, Big Rush. Let me know how things turn out. We’ll be talkin’ you hear?

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