We’ve been debating our options for buying a new car. The one we have is serviceable, but it’s too small for 21st Century driving.
In the first place, small cars are defenseless on America’s roads. People can get hurt in one. I speak from experience. A pickup with over-sized off-road tires and a 10-ton steel bumper rear-ended my tiny emerald Honda Civic Hatchback. The accident totaled not only my car but my perfectly serviceable set of golf clubs. I came away unscathed except for a rapid pulse rate and a sore neck. Still, it was not a pleasant experience.
I am also sick and tired of inching along an off-ramp or idling at a stop light while gagging on the exhaust fumes from the car in front of me. The exhaust pipes of those huge monsters pump their output right into my radiator. Some of the visible residues of exhaust smoke creep over the hood of my car, little fingers licking the windshield like fog on a cold and dreary moor.
My wife prefers a large, four-door Ford with 8-cylinders and a 360 HP engine. But my tastes lean toward self-preservation. I want the largest pickup on the market. I don’t care if it’s Japanese or American made. I just want to enhance my safety. We all die sometime, but why volunteer?
After a good deal of reflection and a few thousand-dollar bribes to my wife for the purchase of some baubles, I’ve narrowed my selection to a couple of machines. Each of these performs an essential driving function. For example, if I feel mean and in the mood for a little road rage, there’s nothing better than the Road Rage Special shown here with an optional .50 caliber top-mounted machine gun for those trips through the I-80 corridor between Oakland and Pinole. This vehicle may also prove useful on those rare cross-country trips that lead through Texas.
For a second car, we’ve selected the Traffic Delay Special. This sturdy vehicle with its formidable box-like foot-print and treaded tracks is perfect for climbing over the line of cars in front of you as you attempt to reach your office in time for the nine p.m. coffee break. But, wait—This
utilitarian vehicle with its spacious bed is adaptable for clearing a parking space at busy malls, too. And, don’t forget tailgate parties at those football and baseball games you can’t miss. Your friends will love riding in the cool night air as you tool to an AC-DC concert. It’s the perfect all-around family vehicle.
Actually, we are in a bind here. We want to demonstrate our patriotism by pumping some money into the economy, providing we can arrange a car loan. But on the other hand, we are torn between self-preservation on the roads of America and doing our bit to conserve energy. We’ve reflected on the issue and finally concluded that we must survive. Otherwise, we won’t be around to stimulate the economy. Country first.
