Two days ago, I decided to join the chic crowd.
My motivation? The words of a cashier in a checkout line who asked, “Are you growing a beard?”
“No,” I responded, “I just haven’t shaved in about a week.”
“Well, it looks good on you,” she said.
Her words set me to thinking. Why not become chic? Hell, unshaven stubble is my natural state, anyway. But until the cashier’s words, I never looked at it as some kind of masculine sex signal with the power to draw women’s admiration. The damned thing just itches, that’s all.
Never dawned on me that women lusted over a few scraggly whiskers. Do they derive excitement from scratching an itchy beard? Well, maybe they do if the guy is Patrick Dempsey. But for the run-of-the-mill generics, I sincerely doubt it.
Sure, the thought dawned on me that she was merely being nice the way someone is nice just to fill their daily quota of good deeds. But then, I figured, why not look on the positive side.
Her kindness reminded me that I actually grew a full beard once. It was black, except the moustache part, which was a sort of pale pink. And it attracted a great deal of attention, especially in small towns like Hays, Kansas, where a gaggle of town folk in a restaurant gathered in the corner to giggle and point toward me.
Despite admiring glances everywhere, however, my beard was a pain in the neck, what with all of the maintenance necessary to keep it trimmed.
And the damned thing itched interminably. Many men will tell you that the itch disappears after a beard reaches a certain length, but in my case, no. I’m sure there are others who feel as I do, but they won’t admit it until someone asks, “Why do you constantly scratch your face?”
At any rate, with the cashier’s words in mind, I let my whiskers grow a couple of more days and then shaved them. I feel a hell of a lot better.
But the experience set me to thinking. Who might look better in a beard? Here are some names that came to mind in no particular order.
- Bill Clinton
- Gavin Newsom
- George Bush
- John McCain
- Das Gubernator
Okay, make your own list and check it against mine.
p.s. This is what happens when I fall into a black hole of political disinterest and spend a lot of time trying to dig my way out.
